moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
