If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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