i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I had to cum in my sink.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
