Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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