remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
