can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
