Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize