i already hear my dad disowning me
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
