my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think your dad took our porno
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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