he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
