They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
