dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
