I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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