My first STD was from a foam party
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Mom said you looked used
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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