why didn't you poke me back
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
