Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize