Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
