sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
