I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
