im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
No stitches, just platelets and will power
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
