Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
