I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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