I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
