In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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