he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
