i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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