when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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