***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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