You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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