omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
