She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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