Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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