Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he fucked my hip out of place.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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