he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
