Umm I'm too high to move.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
