I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
