i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
