well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
