if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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