Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
