I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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