i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My life is pants optional.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
