Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
