I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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