Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
