i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
