Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
