I just pynch a tree in the face
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
