for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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