Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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