Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
