i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think I am morally bankrupt
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
