I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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