When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
