Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
