oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
