Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
