btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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