life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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