did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
