I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize