shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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