Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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